I Spent 10 Years Repeating the Same Mistake (So You Don’t Have To)

As a keynote speaker, I've had the privilege of sharing my journey with audiences around the world, discussing confidence, growth, and the challenges we face along the way. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned—and the one that took me over a decade to fully grasp—centers on where we place our confidence and how much we allow others' opinions to shape our self-worth.

When I first started out in my career, I used to judge my performance based on two key factors:

1. How I felt about it.
2. How I thought others felt about it.

What’s crazy is that no matter how much effort I put into improving my own skills and perspectives, I always let the second variable override the first. If I thought others were impressed, then I felt successful. But if I sensed criticism or indifference, I immediately doubted myself.

I cared far more about what others thought than how I actually felt. I based my confidence on this endless pursuit of external validation, giving the keys to my confidence away to everyone else around me.

Chasing Confidence in All the Wrong Places

In keynote speaking, we often talk about “finding your confidence” or “owning your story.” But for years, I struggled to follow that advice myself. I let my confidence rest in the hands of people around me—friends, mentors, family members, and even strangers. It seemed logical at the time; after all, isn’t feedback supposed to help us grow?

But over time, I came to realize this was a losing strategy. Basing my confidence on what others thought, rather than what I felt inside, left me feeling constantly off-balance. Approval became my addiction, and it was a vicious cycle that never brought true fulfillment.

I learned that if I wanted to feel genuinely confident, I had to stop chasing approval outside of myself. I had to root my confidence in my own progress, not in perfection or how others viewed me.

The Shift: Rooting Confidence in Authenticity

When I share this journey as a leadership speaker, I see so many people resonate with the struggle to “be yourself” while also wanting to be liked. It’s a delicate balance. Over the years, I realized the only way to build lasting confidence was to:

1. Let go of the opinions of others: This doesn’t mean ignoring feedback or shutting out the world; it means not letting other people’s opinions dictate your self-worth.
2. Focus on being authentically me: People can sense authenticity, and it’s what truly resonates.
3. Root my confidence in progress, not perfection: There’s no perfect destination, only growth. Real confidence comes from knowing that you’re continually improving, not that you’ve “made it.”

Sounds simple, right? But as I learned, it’s far from easy.

The Challenge of Letting Go

One thing I emphasize in every leadership keynote is that confidence isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s a lifelong process. Learning to let go of external validation and embrace authenticity takes daily commitment.

For most of us, it’s a constant battle. Being yourself sounds simple, but it takes courage to withstand judgment and be okay with not fitting into everyone’s expectations. Letting go of what people think is HARD, but it’s the only way to free ourselves from the limits of external approval.

And here’s the truth I’ve learned and share in keynote speaking engagements: it’s okay to be a work in progress.

I’m still learning, still letting go, and still rooting myself more deeply in who I truly am. Growth isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about embracing progress and knowing that you’re moving forward, even if it’s just by 1% each day.

Progress Over Perfection

If there’s one takeaway from my journey that I can pass on as a leadership speaker, it’s this: real growth is all about progress, not perfection. It’s about waking up each day with a commitment to be just a little bit better—1% more authentic, 1% more confident, and 1% more you. That small, daily improvement changes everything.

When we focus on being ourselves and stop looking for validation outside, we create a life that feels fulfilling from the inside out. We gain a confidence that no one can take away because it’s rooted in our own growth, our own progress, and our own journey.

Embrace the Journey

My hope, whether you’re reading this or hearing it from me in a leadership keynote, is that you start to let go of the need to please everyone else and instead focus on what truly matters: being authentically, unapologetically yourself.

Yes, it takes courage. But when you choose progress over perfection, you begin to create a life that isn’t defined by the opinions of others but by the quiet, powerful confidence that comes from being true to yourself.

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